I live in Florida. In case you haven’t heard, we just finished hurricane season. The time from June 1- November 30 is always a little uncertain and this year we had a lot of activity!!
As I began writing this blog, Beryl was a threat to us, but since then, we’ve had Helene and Milton. The damage they caused, not only to property and land, but also to human life, were great. For those affected by flooding, fires, and immense wind damage, their lives will never be the same.
As someone who blogs about trauma, betrayal and sex addiction, you may be asking why I’m informing you about our 2024 storm season.
Great question!!
As I’ve been pondering lately about the effects of trauma and it’s lasting effects, I’ve been reminded of the coast of Florida, among others, and how it’s changed through the years because of storm surges resulting from hurricanes. Our coast will never be the same. There’s no going back to the Florida we once were. Our beaches have had incredible devastation over the years, and while repairs can be done, they will never be the same.
Hear me. This is not unlike trauma.
Once trauma hits, usually with its continuous waves and surges, it washes away an integral part of who we are. That part can never be recovered. It would be like going out to sea and trying to piece together each granule of sand and putting it back where it was.
Crazy, right?
But honestly, this what people expect from those who have experienced betrayal trauma. They think that we can just pick up those pieces, put them back where they once were, and carry on with our lives. That isn’t how trauma works. Any kind of trauma, but we are here talking about betrayal trauma so that is what I am using as an example.
So you may ask, what is the point of even trying to heal?
Good question.
I’m not sure if you have ever heard of Kintsugi or the story behind it but I’ll try to share a little here. Kintsugi, which is Japanese for Golden Joinery, is the art of repairing broken pottery using urushi lacquer mixed with gold, silver or platinum powder. To ‘join with gold’ is a “reminder to stay optimistic when things fall apart and to celebrate the flaws and missteps of life”.
How? You may ask. How in the world can I relate this to the most intimate betrayal I’ve ever experienced and be able to celebrate it?? I don’t want to celebrate anything about it!!
Me either. Sometimes I just want to stay in bed, pull the covers over my head and cry. You too??
So again you may ask, what’s the point??
The point is that even though we will never be the same as we were before, we can still heal. We can allow those broken pieces to come back together, maybe in a different way than they were before, but that’s where the growth comes in. And…we can allow those ‘holes’ to be filled with the Holy Spirit where He can shine through. Second Corinthians 12:9 says that His power is made perfect in weakness. We can boast in what He does in and through us, not the circumstances that brought us there.
Back to our healing….
So far we are destroyed beyond recognition and a bunch of broken pieces. Now what?
I can tell you this. It takes time. No one likes to hear that because we live in a world that wants instant gratification. From microwaves, to instant downloads…it’s all about 'right now'.
Healing doesn’t work that way. Not if you do it right. It’s a slow process of truly processing our pain, which hurts and that sucks, and being able to recognize the need for healing in places we didn’t realize. Often it will go back to childhood. This doesn’t mean you had a terrible family or upbringing. Or maybe you did. But one thing is for sure. We all experience trauma in some form or another and we all need to work our healing journey so that we can come out better on the other side.
How do we do it cause so far this doesn’t sound very encouraging….
When you recognize the need for some healing, that is the best ‘first step’ and place to start. There are a lot of things you can do towards healing, but one of the best places to start is to have a great coach or counselor who understands the dynamic of sexual addiction and betrayal trauma. While this is a growing community and everyone responds to different personalities, it can sometimes be difficult to find the right one for you.
Yes, this is a shameless plug for my coaching services. I would love to be able to help you on your journey. You can find out more about who I am and what I offer HERE and see if we would be a good fit.
I would also suggest that you join a group. I’ve had several clients tell me that they are shy, that they don’t feel comfortable talking in front of people. I understand that, but I will tell you that it was one of the most healing things I did for myself. We heal in community. There’s nothing like hearing someone else’s story and realizing that you aren’t alone to help you walk forward a few steps. Groups aren’t meant to belabor all the horrible things that your husband did. That doesn’t mean that you do not get to share when you need to share or that your story isn’t important. It is, as are you. Healing doesn’t come when we continuously ruminate our story.
Everyone hates this one….journaling. You might say that you aren’t a journal-er. That’s okay. This is the place where you can put it all on paper and get it all out. You can ‘tell’ your story over and over and over. And as Mry DeMuth says, "An untold story never heals."
What’s different about that versus telling it over and over in group? Glad you asked.
There’s other people in the group and we pick up on the attitudes and opinions of others. It’s easy to get into all the negativity together and then stay stuck there. Healing doesn’t happen in those stuck places and I don’t want you to stay there any more than you do. So journal all of those emotions. Share them with someone safe, often more than once, but be watchful of ruminating or one upping each other in group.
Take care of yourself. I don’t know what that looks like for you because it can be different for everyone. Here you get to think about what makes you feel safe. What makes you relax. For some of my clients that was running. For some it was reading or a manicure. Whatever it is, its purpose is for you. It doesn’t have to cost money or take a lot of time. Sometimes just walking outside will cause you to feel refreshed. My pastor just spoke about that that walking on a treadmill isn’t the same…..when we move forward, walking outside in the fresh air, and we see things go by us, it actually brings us to a place of moving forward.
And you may hate this, but staying busy, having a full calendar, even if it’s doing things you enjoy, won’t bring you healing. How do I know??
Because that busyness is another word for denial or avoidance. We tend to do ‘things’ to stay away from the work that we really need to do.
I know. I love journaling. I tell clients to journal. But I avoid journaling sometimes and I know why. It’s because something is almost always revealed and I don’t always want to face the pain. So I don’t do it.
Hopefully my follow up to this blog won’t take me another year to write. I’m thankful for each of you who continue to visit my site, reading my heart through my words, and come back looking for more. Thank you for not giving up on me.
Consider this for now….after the storm hits, knowing you will never be the same again, do you really want to go back to the old you or do you look forward to becoming someone new?
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